Blood or Bond

So I found a coppy of a short story that I wrote last year, and I have decided that I am going to re-write it because I don't exacly like how it ends. But I have decided to share it :)

So, here is "blood or bond"

 

I sat cross legged on my bed, looking through my mom’s old cheer scrap-book, the day my dad came in to deliver the news that changed my life forever…for the second time. “Hey baby.” He said. “We need to talk.”

I closed the book, thankful for a distraction. “What’s up dad?”

“The trial’s over.”

“What do you mean the trial is over? I check it every year, it hadn’t started yet!” I couldn’t believe what he was telling me.

“It started about a month ago. After four years of investigation, the trial only took a month.” He sat down beside me, and shook his head.

“When will we get to see her?” I asked excitedly.

“Soon, very soon. I’ve been talking with the people who were protecting her, and they say we should move and get a new start in another state, as another way to try to keep her safe.”

“So you’re thinking, what? A clean break?”

“That would be best, but I know that it would be hard.”

I nod. “Dad…you know that I can’t go with you, right?”

He nodded again, “I thought you might say something like that. I don’t want to leave you.”

“You don’t have to worry about me. I’m sure I can find a place, and if not I can crash with Jacob’s family, or Diana, or Karen, it’s not a big deal.”

“It is a big deal; we can wait until you go to school, if you want. Your mom can stay here for a while, and I’m sure you girls will want to show her around town.”

I shook my head. “Dad, no. Do you really want to have to explain to everyone-over and over again-why mom has suddenly ‘come back from the dead’? Besides, it wouldn’t be safe. Cherry has like four years left with you guys, Jenny has eight. I don’t even have one. They need a new start with you and mom. They need the two parent home we haven’t had. I will be fine here, and if you’re worried about me not having a good relationship with her, I promise that I will, or at least that I will try. I miss her like crazy, and I cannot wait to see her.”

He sat in silence for several minutes; his eyes telling me that he didn’t know what to say. Finally, he said “You are taking this a lot better than I expected you to.”

I shrugged and set aside the year book. “I’ve prayed a lot about what I would do when we finally were able to see her, especially in the past year. I mean, I can’t move with you, and unlike Cherry and Jenny, I’ve made connections here that I can’t break.”

He looked at the yearbook and smiled. “That was a good year. Other than having to deal with Di, your mom’s freshman year was her best.”

I smiled at him. “So when do you move?”

“We’re going to start packing as soon as I talk to your sisters tomorrow. I want to be in Kentucky by the end of the month.”

“Wow! So I guess I need to get on top of finding a place, huh?”

“That would probably be a good idea.” He put his arm around me and I rested my head on his shoulder as I thought about the past few years.

After my mom had been placed in the Witness Protection Program, we’d moved out to a little town in the middle of nowhere Missouri and kind of started over. Dad adjusted to raising three girls by himself, we made friends easily enough, and got involved in the community. Things were well enough, though there were some down sides to the adjustment. I suffered from severe panic disorder, Cherry was dealing with depression, and Jenny grew up-making the majority of her first vivid memories-without our mom there. It had been four years, so much had changed; I began to wonder if mom would even be able to tell we were the same people. 

“What are you thinking?” Dad asked quietly.

“She’s going to be in for a real surprise. We’ve only talked to her a couple of times a year, she doesn’t know about all that’s changed.”

He nodded, “I think she’ll be surprised, but I think that she’ll be proud of how strong you and Cherry have become while she was away. You two are stronger than anyone I know.”

I shook my head and looked up at him, “Daddy, YOU are the strongest person I know. You’ve been through a ton, and then to lose mom like this for so long…I hope you guys get a little time to yourselves soon.”

He smiled, “Me too.”

We sat in silence for several minutes before my computer started making noise. “Oh! That’s Diana, I almost forgot about our Skype study tonight.” I said as I jumped up to answer the call.

“I’ll let you get to that then, and be sure to ask her about a place to stay, about helping you find one. She knows this town better than anyone.”

I laughed, “Sure, I’ll ask.” I smiled at him, “Love you!” I said as he closed the door.

Diana laughed, “Love you too Brea.”

I laughed too, “You too! Sorry, I was talking to my dad.”

“Oh gosh, did I interrupt something? You know I hate it when I do that.” Like me, Diana suffered from anxiety, though hers was more social.

I shake my head, “Nah, it’s ok. He was delivering some…big news.”

“Big news?”

“I’ll tell you later; right now…I have a question. I know that Andrew just got married and moved out, and I know that you said his empty room and the empty house is starting to bug you and Travis. Have you ever thought of renting it out? With all the colleges in town, I know you could find some college kid who would love to find a place like that. Not too expensive, off school grounds, a place to feel like their home away from home.”

She gave me a quizzical look, “No, I guess we hadn’t thought of that. Why do you ask, do you have someone in mind?”

I nodded, “Yeah, actually, but it’s a really long story, and I’d rather not explain via Skype.”

“Well do you want to go to the park?”

I thought for a minute. I could put off telling her until I absolutely had to…but I didn’t really want to do that. “Sure.” I finally say, I’ll meet you there in about five minutes?”

“Sounds great! I was just telling Travis that I wanted to get out tonight, but I didn’t want to miss our video study, and I didn’t know if you wanted to get out.”

I laughed, “You know I’m almost always up for a night at the park, but something tells me we won’t have time for the study. ‘Big news’ was kind of an understatement.”

We logged off and I grabbed my shoes from under my bed. The walk there wasn’t long, and the air felt like the beginning of summer, I loved it. Not too hot, but not bitter cold like it had been for the past several months. I found Diana, who lived right across the street, sitting on the swings while she waited for me. I joined her with a smile.

“What’s up?” She asked. “I get the feeling this is more than just a friend looking for a place to stay.”

I looked at her and tried to give her a smile before looking at my hands. “My dad is moving. He and my siblings are going up to Kentucky at the end of the month, and I decided that with my job and being enrolled in school for the spring, I couldn’t afford to just up and leave for less than a year.”

“Why is your dad moving?”

I sighed, “That’s the complicated part.” I looked up and even in the darkness I could see the worry in her eyes. It killed me to have to finally tell her the truth, to admit that I’d lied all this time. I knew a day like this would come, but I never imagined that it would be so hard. “I lied to you, about a lot of the reason why we are in town. Not because I wanted to, but because I wasn’t allowed to tell you the truth. There have been so many times that I wanted to, and it killed me that I couldn’t. Diana…my mom’s not dead.” I paused, hoping to give her a moment to let that sink in.

“What?”

“My mom didn’t have a heart attack when I was a kid; she’s been in the witness protection program for the past four years. They’ve been keeping her safe while looking for a guy that she’s supposed to testify against. They finally found him, and a few others I guess. The trial is over, and I assume that since they’re letting her come back…they guys are put away for a long time, if not for life.

She reached across the space between our swings and took my hand, “Brea, that’s amazing, so why do you look so sad?”

When I looked up at her, I knew that there were tears in my eyes. “Because I feel like I’m waiting to meet a stranger. I feel like any type of relationship we might have had is gone. I am nothing like the person I was when I was fourteen, my stupid panic disorder has stripped me of that and she doesn’t even know about it! I spend so much of the time that we got to talk to her telling her all of the good things, and listening about what’s been going on with her writing. I never told her because I didn’t want her to worry.” I pulled my hand away and covered my face, my shoulders shook with sobs. “I am so-so relieved that she’s ok. Tonight, for the first time since I was fourteen years old, I’ll go to bed without-without worrying and wondering if she was ok, or even still alive. But I haven’t had a real relationship with her for over four years. Countless things have changed, and…I’ve changed.”

She took my hand and looked me in the eye, “She’s your mother, Brea. You two will always have a special bond, one that…well that maybe we don’t even share.”

I shook my head, “Diana, you’ve been the ‘mother’ that I needed over the past several years. You were there for me at the start of the panic, when I was so scared that I didn’t know what to do.”

“Brea, I will still be there for you, if you want me to. And as far as a place to stay, Travis and I have always welcomed you into our home, you know that.”

I felt the tears on my cheeks, but I didn’t try to brush them away. Diana stood and wrapped me in a big, mothers hug. As I cried I felt years of worry and fear melt off my shoulders. Knowing that my mom was alive, that she was safe-and would be for a while-made nearly every muscle in my body go slack, if only for a moment. Tension returned as worry about what the next weeks may hold flooded my mind. Worry about what my mother may think of my relationship with Diana, about if they would get along. What would I even tell my friends here in town? How would I explain? My mind was too flooded with questions to possibly fish any answers out tonight, and I think Diana sensed this. “You need to go get some rest baby girl. We can talk in the morning, alright?”

I nodded as the sobs slowed. “Just a few minutes, please?” I asked. “I don’t want to let go yet.”

Her embrace tightened around me and I buried my face in her chest. I hugged her tight for several minutes as the sobs died. Finally, I took a deep breath and stepped back. “Thanks.” I rubbed my eyes and wiped away the tears that had soaked my cheeks. “Sorry.”

She cupped my face with her hands, like I was a small child, and said “You know that I will always be here for you. Through nig news, big tears, and big fears, ok? I promise.”

I nodded, “Thanks Diana, I better get home before my dad gets worried. Tomorrow…a new adventure starts.”

~

Two Weeks Later

I sat on the floor of my room-for the time being-looking around at all the boxes that I had packed. My sisters and my dad were getting ready to load their things into a huge moving truck; after lunch my best friend Jacob would arrive in his old pickup and help me get my things to Diana’s. For about a week she’d insisted that I didn’t need to pay, she was my friend, and of course she wanted to help me. Finally I convinced her that she was helping me by letting me pay, that way I could “get used to having to pay bills”…or something like that. It had been late when we’d talked, and I couldn’t remember exactly what I’d told her.

My computer sat in front of me, and I stared at the instant message thread, waiting for a response. Finally, it came. “Hi baby! Yes, I’m here. Do you want to talk?”

It was all I could do to keep my tears at bay; I was having a conversation with my mom! For the first time in what seemed like forever, we were talking without worry of someone finding her.

“Yes! I am so excited, in less than two months I’ll get to see you again. I miss you.”

“What do you mean? Wont I see you tomorrow?”

My stomach dropped. “Dad didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

I sighed; my fingers shook as a typed. “Mom, I want to finish out my senior year in the school I’ve been going to since I was a freshmen. I have a really good job at the bookstore here in town, and I’m going to college starting in the spring. I can’t leave here right now.”

“Your siblings finished their school year early, did you try?”

“I didn’t have time. I had to pack, study, and work.”

“Oh.”

My heart was shattering. “Mom, I’m sorry. I did plan on coming up to spend a few days with you the week after I graduate, but with work…I can’t get off until a little later.”

“Well, I can’t wait to see you.”

“Ditto here.” I heard the doorbell ring and looked at the time, people were arriving to help us load the truck. “Time to go load up! By this time tomorrow, you’ll have your family back. I love you so much!”

~

I stood in the driveway and watched my dad pull out in the gigantic moving truck, my siblings crammed in there with him. They had a long drive a head of them, but he was so excited that I knew he wouldn’t stop for more than a few minutes until he saw my mom. I watched them until they turned off our street and I couldn’t see them anymore. I stood there, my chest feeling as empty as the house that stood behind me. All that was left were my things, and Jacob was here to help me remove those as well. He stepped out of his pickup and put his arm around me. “Hey are you ok?”

I nodded, “Yeah, but saying goodbye was a lot harder than I thought. I’ve always wanted to protect my sisters, and I just realized that that job just got a whole lot harder.”

He laughed, “Cherry’s entering high school; I think she can handle ‘protecting’ Jenny.”

I nod, “Maybe. You ready?”

“You bet, let’s get busy.”

It didn’t take us long to load up the back of his truck, I’d thrown away a lot of things while packing, and donated about half of the clothes I’d had. I never knew closet corners could hold so many old trends. In less than two hours my things were unloaded in Travis and Diana’s briefly spare bedroom. “Do you want help unpacking too?”

I shook my head, “No, but thanks. I’ll get to it tomorrow, but right now I just want to rest. It’s been a long day, and I have that Chemistry final on Monday, I really need to study too.”

“Right” He chuckled, “I keep forgetting you’re still stuck in the prison that is high school.”

I shook my head again and scoffed, “Thanks.” I laughed as I fixed my ponytail. “But yeah, I’ll probably study a little bit tonight, call my dad, and get some sleep.”

“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow?” He looked sad to leave; we hadn’t had a lot of time in the past few weeks.

I smiled, “I promise I will see you tomorrow, and I haven’t forgotten our plans to see that movie.”

He smiled, “Ok. I’ll see you then.”

As soon as he left I collapsed onto the stripped twin bed and sighed. I fiddled with the key strung around my neck, thinking about the one that I had hidden under the flower pot for the land lord less than an hour ago. Suddenly it struck me that I was on my own. I mean, yes I was living with Travis and Diana, who were more like family than friends, but I was now responsible for every aspect of my life.

That freaked me out

Suddenly I felt like there was a weight on my chest, it became so hard to breathe that all I could manage were little puffs. I curled up into a ball, my fear stronger than the knowledge that I was only compressing my lungs. My heart started to race and I felt sick, but I couldn’t make myself move. “No” I muttered, “this cannot happen now.” Not when Travis and Diana were supposed to be home any minute.

Even as I was thinking that I heard the front door open, and I prayed that it wasn’t Travis coming in alone. “Diana!” I yelled. “Diana!” My voice was hardly a whisper the second time, but I heard something drop and footsteps in the hall before she appeared in the doorway.

“Brea? Oh, oh honey. What happened?” She moved to the bed and sat beside me, putting her hand on my back.

I shuddered and she immediately pulled away. “S-sorry” I stuttered.

“No, no, honey, don’t say sorry.” She reached to pull my hair out of my face, and I knew I was scaring her. I was trembling uncontrollably, I felt like I was going to be sick, and I was freezing. “What-what can I do?”

“Um…can you get me a blanket?” Curling up into a ball with a blanket would help me get rid of the chills, and maybe help me feel safe as well.

“Right, ok. Any blanket?”

I nodded. She jumped up and grabbed a blanket that was folded and placed on the top shelf of the closet. As she tucked it around me, a calming sensation spread throughout me. She started rubbing my back again and the pounding of my heart seemed to slow.

My breathing was still ragged, but suddenly I was exhausted. “Tired.” I mumbled.

“Then close your eyes baby girl, get some rest. It’s ok.” She continued rubbing my back and started to hum. I felt safe, even though my body was in fight/flight mode. The next several minutes were spent desperately trying to calm myself down, concentrating on her voice, and trying not to fall asleep. Exhaustion liked to win during attacks, but I knew that if I slept I would only have nightmares.

Eventually though, it won out and I closed my eyes to face oblivion.

~

When Diana realized that Brea was asleep she sat there for several minutes, trying to figure out what exactly had happened. She’d never been with her for an attack like that, and it scared her almost as bad as an attack of her own, if not worse. Finally, she stood and went back out to their living room to find Travis standing in the center.

“What happened?” He asked as soon as he saw her.

“It was a panic attack.” She sighed, sitting down on the couch.

“It didn’t seem to last long.” The statement was formed more like a question as he sat down beside her.

“From what she’s told me, hers don’t. They’re intense, and sometimes they knock her out-like now-but she told me that the longest she’s ever gone with one, before falling asleep or it fading away, was an hour and five minutes.”

“That’s long, but not as long as yours. What’s different?”

She shrugged her shoulders and slumped further into the couch. “I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like mine are as intense. We both get scared, but I react more mentally than physically. Maybe we’re just opposites in that aspect.”

“Is she alright?” He inquired, looking worried.

“She seems fine…now.”

“Are you alright?”

She shook her head and sighed, “I don’t know. I’ve never seen her like that before. Sure, yeah, she’s called me or texted me, but I had never been with her when she was going through something like that. I felt even more helpless than-“

“Hey.” He moved closer and put his arm around her. “Hey, don’t do that to yourself. You’ve been through those, you know what can and can’t help. You knew what to do. Stay there, stay calm, and help her stay calm. But you need to stop this from getting you worked up; the last thing we need is to have both of you out of commission and worried about the other, ok?”

She half laughed at that thought. “Imagine that. Both of us curled up in little balls on the couch, and you just standing there wondering what in blazes you can do about it.”

He smiled and pulled her into a hug, “Because I would be totally lost, and you know it.”

“I can’t believe she’s here. She’s here, living with us, like a little family. How many times have I told you my secret wish? And now that it’s finally coming true I feel as if anything could snatch it away from me at any moment. I fear that something will happen with her mom and she’ll want to make Brea leave, and I feel awful for saying that. Because I do want Brea to be with her mom, I want them to have time together to form a real mother-daughter bond, but what if she decides that she doesn’t need me anymore? What if her mother doesn’t like the friendship we’ve formed?”

Travis pulled back and made her look him in the eye, “Di,” he said softly, using the nickname she’d adopted in high school, “Brea loves you, she will never “not need” you, alright? Her mother…we don’t know her, and we can’t control what she might do, but we can control what we do. Be kind and considerate, don’t try to butt into their time together, even if Brea may invite you. If her mother wants you to go, then great! But give them some time. Brea hasn’t seen her in a long time, and it’s not like her mom’s going to be showing up on our doorstep any time soon.”

She leaned into him and sighed, “You’re right, I need to stop worrying so much.” They sat there for several moments before she sat up again, “But I can worry about her right now, I’m going to go sit with her until she wakes up.”

Travis shook his head and smiled, “And don’t start mothering her either.” He laughed. “She’s here to be on her own, one way to keep from pushing her away is to not start mothering.”

~

When I woke up I was disoriented and confused, trying to remember where I was and why I was on top of a naked mattress. I was even more confused when my eyes focused and I saw Diana sitting at the head of the bed, her Bible in her lap and a cup of coffee in her hands. I blinked, wondering if I was just imagining her, before I remembered everything that had happened that day, and had to lie still for a moment, angrily focusing on my breathing, to prevent the attack from continuing. I groaned, it seemed like every muscle in my body ached. “What time is it?” I mumbled.

Diana looked up from her Bible and smiled, “Hey girly, it’s almost 6:30, are you alright?”

I debated lying, saying that I was fine and ready to go running, but instead I put my head under the blanket and sighed. “Other than the facts that I feel like I just got hit by a truck and I’m mortified that that happened when I’d literally only been here an hour…I’m just peachy.”

  I heard the Bible close and the coffee cup being set on the headboard before she lifted the covers and slid her upper body underneath, so that our heads almost created an “L” shape. “There is no need to be embarrassed; you of all people should know that things like this are far from uncommon in this house.”

I closed my eyes and shook my head. “Diana” I said, and I heard the tears in my own voice, “Diana…this really sucks.” And suddenly I couldn’t stop the tears. They came in waves I couldn’t control, and sobs caused my shoulders to shake. Diana pulled me into a hug and sat up with me in her arms, rubbing my back and rocking back and forth as she pulled the blanket off of us.

“Oh baby.” She whispered, “I know, I know it does.”

For several minutes she held me tight, reassuring me that I was safe, I was ok, and that I was not alone. It was exactly what I needed, a calming voice in the midst of the storm. After several minutes I managed to get a hold of myself and pulled away, wiping my eyes as I did so. “I’m so sorry.” I said. Tears were still evident, but I was the one in control now. “I did not mean to do that. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” She was looking at me with such concern in her eyes; I knew that she loved me like I was her own, and I scared her silly when I did stuff like that, though she would almost never admit it.

“I’m sure, I promise. It’s just been a long day.” I smiled at her; she smiled back and brushed my bangs out of my eyes. I was about to ask if she wanted to help me unpack when my phone rang. Quickly I grabbed it up, “Hello?”

“Hey Brea, its mom.”

“Mom! Hi!” I wiped my eyes again and tried to conceal the shaking still in my voice.

“Are you alright baby?”

“What? Oh yeah…yeah I’m fine. I was watching a movie with the friend I’m staying with. How are you?” Diana gave me a questioning look.

“I’m doing great! Just waiting for everyone to get here. You’re coming to visit after graduation, right?”

I sighed and shook my head, just like mom to ask the question she already knew the answer to, hoping she’d get the answer she wanted. “Dad says they should be there tomorrow morning, he didn’t want to stop. Yeah, but not right after, it will probably be the middle of July. I want so badly to come and see you, but with everything for work and getting ready to switch schedules so I can work full time, it will be about then before I can get enough time off to spend a while with you. About a week and a half.” I smiled, looking forward to it.

“But it’s so far away! I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too!” I stood up and hugged myself, Diana looked from me to the door as I continued to talk to my mom. We talked for about twenty minutes, about everything from school, to the new apartment, to the trial-which we could finally speak of without fear gripping my heart. Or maybe it was just because my body was still calming down from the attack that afternoon. Finally, she had to leave because her land lord needed to talk to her. She sounded like she hated to say goodbye, and I did too. As I hung up, I felt a dull ache in my heart; like a part of me was missing, which I knew it was.

I turned to face Diana, who had set there looking awkward, but I hadn’t wanted to her leave. “Why did you lie?” was the first thing she asked.

I sighed as I stuffed my phone back into my pocket. “I haven’t told her about my panic disorder yet, and I asked dad not to. I want to tell her about it in person. It’s not really what you want to say via messaging or over the phone.”

She nodded, “But you’re going to tell her when you see her?”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s not like I can keep it a secret.” I half laugh. “Hey, do you want to help me unpack?” Really I just wanted to change the subject.

She smiled, “Sure. Do you want me to get the books?”

I faked a sigh of relief, “Yes please! I absolutely hate organizing bookshelves. That’s why it will never look as nice as when you first set it up.”

She laughed and went to work, opening boxes and putting books on the small bookcase I’d brought with me.

After about ten minutes of me opening boxes to see what was what, I hear “Oh!” and turn around, trying to remember where she keeps her first aid kit, only to see her holding my mom’s cheer book. “This is cool! I didn’t know you did cheer.” She thought it was mine, and I laughed.

“I don’t, I would break my leg; that’s my mom’s book.” I gently took it from her. I loved her so much, but that book was something that I didn’t share with anyone. It showed an uglier side of my mom, a side that I didn’t want anyone to see-especially not Diana. Not with some of the things it said about a girl on her competing squad.

“Oh, I didn’t know she did cheer.”

I nodded, “All four years of high school.” I smiled and slid the book between the bed and the mattress, a safe place where only I could find it.

“Me too; some of the best and worst years of my life.”

I laughed, “That’s what my mom said too.”

~

Two weeks later: The day before graduation

Travis was surprised to hear the doorbell; usually the girls came in through the garage and, with all the packages they were sure to be bringing, he knew they would need to. When it rang again he sighed, set aside his paper, and stood to answer it. Who he saw on the other side, brought back a whole slew of memories that he would have rather kept at bay.

“Hi, My name is Elizabeth Ralph, I’m looking for my daughter. Her name is Brea, and my husband told me that she was living here.”

An older version of Brea stared back at him; blond hair, brown eyes, even the same height. But this woman was much older. He was almost too shocked to speak, and when he finally did find his words, all he could think to say was, “Liza? Liza. You’re Brea’s mother?”

“Travis! Hi! Wow, it’s been forever, hasn’t it? I haven’t heard from you since the big cheer reunion. Weren’t things with you and Diana on the rocks then? I am really, so sorry that things didn’t work out between the two of you.” She spoke with the same tone she did when they were younger. Assuming, high pitched…and obnoxious. “But to be fair, you and I both know that you could have done so much better.” She grinned at him and he wondered how she’d managed to maintain those perfect white teeth. He was too stunned to say anything, thankfully though, he didn’t have to.

The sound of the garage door opening coupled with the sounds of Brea and Diana’s laughter. “But it was soooo cute!”

Diana laughed, “Yeah, cute and $300. You think your dad wouldn’t have killed me if I’d let you spend your money on that dress?”

“Oh! Is that your wife?”Elizabeth’s smile wavered as she realized her possible mistake. Travis’ smile only widened.

“Yes, actually. Why don’t you come inside and wait in the living room while I tell them you’re here, I’m sure Diana will be thrilled to see you again.”

A look of terror flickered across her face as Travis led her inside. He would have enjoyed it much more if he wasn’t worried about what would happen between his wife and the girl she thought of as her own daughter.

~

Diana and I had just had an amazing time. We’d found a completely gorgeous graduation dress that I’d wanted for a while now…and when that one was too expensive we found another that was almost just as gorgeous. I wanted to go and show Travis, but when he walked into the kitchen, with the look on his face that I saw, I knew that the dress was going to have to wait.

“Brea, there’s someone in the living room for you.” He said.

“Really?” I asked. “Who?”

“Liza Pierce.”

I swear Diana’s face changed from a smile to a scowl so fast it broke records. “What?” She snapped.

“But her name isn’t Pierce anymore, its Ralph. Elizabeth Ralph.”

“Mom!” I exclaimed.

“Mom?” Diana questioned.

“Mom.” Travis stated.

“What is going on here?” I asked.

“Why don’t you go talk to your mother? I need to talk to Diana for a minute.” Travis suggested as he reached for her hand. Her face was so red that I thought she was ready to explode.

“Diana, are you ok? How do you know my mom?”

She did her best to smile at me, which only made me worry more. “Honey, it’s fine, I promise. Go talk to your mom, you need to.”

I was torn. I hadn’t seen my mom since the summer before my freshmen year, but what was going on with Diana? Finally I decided that I was going to have to leave her and Travis to talk. It was time I saw my mom.

She sat on the couch, her hair falling loosely around her shoulders. She looked different, like the constant stress and worry had worn away the natural brightness in her eyes, but her smile we still the same. When she saw me she stood, and I suddenly realized that I must not look very good, after all I’d just been running around the mall and spent twenty minutes swinging at the park. I was sure my hair was everywhere.

“Brea.” She breathed, tears filling her eyes.

“Mom.” I couldn’t believe I was actually seeing her, it felt so much like a dream. I ran into her arms and as soon as they were around me I lost all strength. My knees buckled and we both fell to the couch as we cried. “I can’t believe you’re here!” I couldn’t believe I could actually voice the thought.

“I can’t believe it either, but after spending some time with your sisters and dad, I just had to see you. I couldn’t wait another month.” She held me tight as she ran her fingers through my hair, and my heart was so filled with joy that I almost forgot about the strange conversation in the kitchen. I probably would have, if she hadn’t started asking questions.

“So how do you know Diana and Travis? How did you end up living here?” She sat back and just looked at me, pushing my hair away from my face, as if she was trying to re-learn every detail. I knew, I was trying too.

“Diana…” I faltered…how to explain how we met? “Diana is a mentor to me, in a way. I met her at a meeting our church holds, for people who suffer from anxiety and panic disorders. Ever since then, we’ve become inseparable. She was-she is-like another mom to me.”

I don’t know exactly how much she heard, because as soon as mentioned the meeting being for those with anxiety and panic, she started glaring at the door. “What were you doing at the meeting? Volunteering?” She almost sounded like she was looking for any other reason for me to be there.

This was going to be harder than I thought. “No…no. After you were put into the program, I started to worry about you-a lot. So much so that I started to have panic attacks. It grew over the past few years, and now I even have to take medication when it gets bad enough…if I have enough foresight to see it coming. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t.”

She shook her head and gripped my upper arms, I thought she looked weaker, but actually she was stronger than I remembered. “No, baby, no, that’s not you. What has Diana fed you about all this? What has she been trying to tell you?”

I put one of my hands atop hers. “Mom, she hasn’t been “feeding” me anything, she’s been helping me. She has a form of anxiety too; she knows what it’s like.” I wasn’t sure what to think of the way she reacted. It scared me.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Her voice rose and she threw up her hands in a helpless looking gesture.

“Mom, you’re scaring me. What on earth is wrong with you?” I stood up and put my arms around myself, I could tell that something was wrong.

“I always said, I always maintained that things like that were faked. Social anxiety? Brea, you’re shy. Nothing more!” In that instant, so many things clicked in my mind that my head started to spin.

“No.” I whispered.

“Yes! Brea you are-“

“No! Mom…Diana…Di…She was the one you hated in high school. SHE was the one that you decided to make your own little project, personally ensuring that she had an awful year in that cheer league?”

She looked at me like I’d just slapped her. “How-how did you know that?”

I felt anger boiling inside of me, and I didn’t want to feel it. “You want to know how?” I stormed down the hallway and into my room. Angrily, I lifted up my mattress and yanked the book from beneath it. I stormed back down the hall. “This is how I knew.” I thrust the book into her arms. “For the past three years I have kept this book hidden from Cherry, from Jenny, and even from dad. I don’t know if he knows or not. I even snatched it from Diana a few weeks ago. I want you to explain…NOW!”

Diana walked in just then, “No, Brea, you don’t need to hear all of what happened that season.”

“No, no, I already know. Mom, I read every word you wrote in that book; every word that you wrote, every word that your little friends wrote. I figured “ok, it was just high school; I know that she’s not the same now” but now…I’m not so sure.”

“Brea, please, don’t get in a fight over this, not with your mom. What’s past is in the past, it’s fine.” Diana walked up behind me and put her hand on my shoulders.

I grabbed her hand and pulled her to stand beside me. “No, Diana, it’s not. I’ve seen the physical damage-the scars-that they left you with.” I turned to my mother and shook my head. “I’m sorry, I love you, but I can’t talk to you right now. I just…I can’t. I need some air.” I turned and tried to storm out, but Diana tightened her grip on my arm.

“Brea, please.” She whispered.

“I just need some air.” And with that I did something that I had never done before. I tore out of Diana’s grasp and stormed out the door, leaving it to slam behind me. I needed some space, I needed some air, and I needed to cry. There was no way that my mom actually thought that, no way…right?

The air seemed crisper than it had been just an hour ago, when Diana and I had talked on the swings. We’d discussed my being disappointed at my family not being here for my graduation-she’d promised that she and Travis would be there.

I wanted my mom there, but after that…what could I even do? 

I stopped walking at the end of the block and sat on the curb. I could feel the tears behind my eyes and on my cheeks. “What even?” I prayed. “What even? What am I supposed to do?” As I sat there, wondering what on earth I was supposed to do, it started to rain. A misting at first, but after several minutes it was pouring so hard that I had no choice but to retreat back inside. And I didn’t like what I found.

“..you’ve been feeding her everything that you tried to feed me in high school Di. You just couldn’t handle the stress of it. You let us down, and that’s why you joined that second rate team.” That, sadly, was my mother yelling at Diana. But what I didn’t expect was Diana’s firry response.

“Don’t even start that Liza! You knew perfectly well that I couldn’t handle that committee, and yet you still sent me to make a fool of myself. It was not my fault.” 

“You ruined our chance at getting a sponsor for that trip-for any trip!”

“It was an accident! And there was no reason for you to cut me from the team because of one screw up.” I saw the tears in Diana’s eyes, but I was too scared to move. I was drenched from the rain, my eyes were filled with tears, and I was too scared to think.

“Di, you threw up in the middle of your speech. In order for the team to be able to get anywhere, cutting you was a requirement.”

“We were on our way to being friends-“

“We would never have been friends, Diana, and you know it. You are sick, and now you are feeding my daughter-“

“STOP!” I exclaimed. “Mom, Diana, stop! Please…” I couldn’t take this, I couldn’t handle their fighting. This was my worst nightmare coming true. I started shaking, I was seeing spots, and my heart was pounding. “Stop it, both of you. This is…just…I can’t even talk to you.” I looked at Diana, “To either of you.”

Mom looked like she might explode, and I felt like I was breaking up one of my sisters fights when they were younger. “Out, now. Not another word, just go. We will talk to you tomorrow.” She looked at me, completely shocked that I would talk to her that way. Honestly, I was completely shocked that I’d spoken to her that way. Then, with one painfully disgusted last look at Diana, she stormed out the door.

As soon as it was shut, I turned around and did something that I never thought I would do. I started yelling at Diana. “What on earth was that about? My mom shows up and suddenly you’re yelling. You…” I couldn’t find words. “Diana you never yell!”

She sat down and put her head in her hands, “Brea, I’m sorry.” She sighed. “I…as soon as I saw her, all the memories from school came back to me. The fact that I was kicked off that squad so soon kept me from getting the scholarship I needed to get into the only school that would expect me with the kinds of grades I was making at the time.”

“I…what? It was your freaking freshman year!” I was pacing back and forth, trying to curb my frustration.

“How do you know that?” She looked up at me, and I could see the tears in her eyes.

“It was in my mom’s cheer book.” I sighed, shaking my head. “I…Look, I have to go to bed. Tomorrow is a big day, and I…I need to sleep.”

I turned to walk away, but she grabbed my hand. “Brea, I’m really sorry. I hate that this happened.”

I looked back at her and tried to hold back the tears, but I failed as one slid down my cheek. “Me too, Diana.”

I turned away and walked down the hall to the guest room-my room-and bumped into Travis, who was just stepping out of his room where he’d retreated when I’d come back. He took one look at me and wrapped me in a hug; I allowed myself just a moment in his arms before he went to go check on Diana.

The door closed behind me, leaving me in the dark. The shadows still seemed so unfamiliar, so foreign, yet it still seemed like home now. I dropped to my knees by the bed, no longer able to control the tears. I cried, my heart aching-breaking. What was I supposed to do? “God” I prayed, “what am I supposed to do? How do I deal with this? I…I can’t even begin to fathom what is happening. God, why is this happening? What could possibly be the reason for this?”

~

An hour later, after a good cry of her own in her husband’s arms, Diana was on her way to bed when she decided to check in on Brea; what she found nearly broke her heart.

The girl was kneeling by her bed, her head in her hands, sound asleep. It was clear that she’d been crying, and Diana thought she might’ve been praying too. “Oh baby, I can’t just leave you here.” She whispered. So she quietly pulled back the covers and sat on the bed. “Hey” She whispered. “Hey Brea. Brea…you need to wake up now baby.”

Brea looked up sleepily, and slowly she rose and climbed into the bed. Diana pulled the covers up over her as if she was a child, and Brea didn’t object. She just rolled over and pulled the blankets up to her chin.

Diana sat there for a few moments, watching as Brea drifted back to sleep, and wondered if she’d even been awake at all. “Father, what happened today never should have. I am so sorry, and I wish that I could take it all back. Please…Lord I will need Your help and patience, Your wisdom to know what to do. You know that I only want Brea to be happy, and me yelling at her mom is not making her happy. If she needs to go back with her, or if she decides to stay, give me-and Elizabeth-the strength to do what You show us is right.”

~

Sunday Morning

The sound of my alarm was only beginning to vaguely pierce my consciousness when I heard the door open. “Brea?” I rolled over onto my stomach and pulled the blanket over my head. Diana quietly laughed and I felt the bed bounce as she sat down. “Time to rise and shine. You awake?”

“No, go away.” I mumbled. After such a restless night, I had no desire to ‘rise and shine’ as she put it. I felt the blankets being pulled away and I rolled back over, exasperated.

“Are you going to church this morning?” She asked quietly.

“That’s a silly question. Why wouldn’t I?” I mumbled as I sat up. I could feel my hair sticking out at odd angles.

“Well…with your mom in town, and everything that happened last-“

“Stop.” I held up my hands, as if I could physically stop the words from leaving her mouth. “I don’t want to talk about last night.” Suddenly a thought struck me. “How did I end up in bed?”

She laughed, “You were asleep. Don’t you remember me waking you and making sure you were in bed?” 

“I remember crying myself to sleep.”  I said pointedly. “I don’t remember anything after that.”

Her eyes fell and I felt sick, I shouldn’t have said that. “Brea, I am so sorry about last night. You know that the last thing I want is to make you upset. I should’ve tried to handle it better.”

I shook my head and took Diana’s hands. “Honestly, if last night is going to be the worst of it, I’m ok with that. You were both blindsided, and I couldn’t have expected you to react any differently. But next time, maybe try a little harder to keep your cool? My mom’s always had a hot temper; that is something I can remember clearly.”

“I love you, you know that I love you, but maybe ‘next time’ isn’t a good idea.”

I swung my legs off the bed and sat up, “’Next time’ isn’t an option, she’s going to be at my graduation this afternoon.”

She was quiet for a moment and I stood to get my dress out of my closet. “She won’t be at church?”

I shook my head as I pulled the dress off the hanger, “My dad was the one who started taking us to church-after mom was taken away. I remember enough from when I was little, my mom is not a church person, and she’s even less of a morning person.”

“You’re sure you don’t want to invite her?” Diana stood up and walked up behind me. In the mirror we looked like quite a pair, disheveled hair-hers much shorter-both nearly the same shade of blond, her in one of her son’s old sports shirts and sweats, me wearing the shorts and tank top I’d put on yesterday afternoon.

“Not today.” I said as I leaned into her arms. I laughed, “Look at us. Quite a pair, huh?”

She laughed too and hugged me tighter, “Always have been; always will.”

~

After Church

The morning spent in God’s house was just what I needed to get my head out of the muddle and my thoughts as clear as I could get them. I loved my responsibilities of helping with the children and playing the piano during youth worship, and hearing the sermon helped me to get focused on God again, instead of on the events of last night. When I met Diana and Travis at the door to head out, I was all smiles.

“Well” Travis smiled, “looks like your mood has changed.”

I smiled, partly at him and partly because whenever I saw him with his arm around Diana I smiled. “Today will be different.”

“Are you ready for lunch?” Diana asked as we walked out.

“Yeah…but I thought I’d swing by the hotel and pick up my mom? If you’d rather not eat with her…we can meet you at the school?” I was heading for my car, they were turning for theirs.

“If you and Elizabeth want to meet us for lunch…I’d be glad to have her.” I could tell that it took effort for her to say that.

“I’ll bring her, and then we can get ready for graduation.” I smiled at her before I turned towards my car, praying that I wasn’t making a huge mistake by bringing them together again.

~

Diana rifled through her purse as Travis pulled out of the church parking lot. After a moment she threw her head back against the seat and sighed. “You’ll never guess what I forgot.”

Travis chuckled, “That’s alright. We can go home first.”

“It’s not funny; you know I’m going to need it to get through today.” She looked at him with such sadness in her eyes that all traces of his smile vanished as he pulled onto their street.

“I know, I’m sorry, but you don’t have to be scared of her anymore. Diana, I honestly don’t think her coming back will change anything between you and Brea, and you don’t have to continue saying it’s ok for her to come around. I was with you through everything she put you through. You two are like the same ends of a magnet, no matter how hard anyone tries…you’ll never connect.”

She didn’t get a chance to explain why she felt like she had to keep trying, because in their driveway sat a car they’d never seen before, and sitting on their porch was none other than Elizabeth herself.

Diana closed her eyes as Travis put the car in park. “I don’t want to have to deal with this.” She already felt bad, and she knew that if something didn’t change soon, she’d have an attack. “I cannot believe she is going to be the cause of my first serious attack in almost three years.” She mumbled as she waited for Travis to open her door. When he did, she took one last deep breath and stood to face Elizabeth with a smile.

“Good morning Elizabeth, what brings you here?” She did her best to sound polite, but she could hear the harshness in her own voice.

“You know good and well ‘what brings me here’.” She growled as she stood from the porch step. “Where is my daughter?”

Before Diana could speak, Travis intervened. “Brea just left for the hotel, hoping you would like to join us for lunch. She informed us that you were not a morning person and wouldn’t appreciate being disturbed so early on a Sunday morning.” He calmly walked past her and opened the door. “Please, come inside while we wait for her. Diana or I can give her a call and she’ll be here in no time.”

“I’ve tried calling her ten times, texting her too. It won’t do you any good.” Elizabeth grumbled as they walked into the house.

“Her has her phone set so that she’ll only receive calls from her dad, Travis, or me.” Diana said, scolding herself for being glad that Brea hadn’t yet included her mother in that circle. “She doesn’t like being bothered during church, and has it set so she will only get emergency calls.”

Elizabeth looked miffed as she sat down, but she believed them. “That sounds like something she would do. Will you call her for me? I’ve been worried about her all morning, and I’ve been sitting out here for an hour. I…I didn’t know how to contact you or Travis.”

Diana relaxed a bit, after all, she could relate to what it felt like to be a worried mother. She’d been through it with Andrew, and went through it every now and then with Brea as well.

“Sure. We were all going out for lunch like we usually do, our son will be meeting us as well, and Brea would like for you to join us. You are very welcome.”

Before either of them could say anything more, Diana rushed into her room and grabbed at a pill bottle that sat on her nightstand. She dumped two of the pills into her hand and swallowed them dry, hoping that they would help with the fear that was overwhelming her.

She dialed Brea’s number as she sat on her bed, trying to force herself to breathe deeply. “Hey” Brea answered brightly.

“Hey girly, your mom is here looking for you. She was worried out of her mind when you didn’t answer her calls. We explained about your setting it to only a few numbers on Sundays.”

“Oh, ok. Well I guess I’ll turn around and be there in a few minutes.” The hum of the car on the other end of the line made Diana’s stomach churn.

“Great, now get off the phone while you’re driving young lady.” She said with a small laugh.

Brea laughed too, “Yes ma’am.”

Diana hung up and sat on the bed. Every fiber in he being was screaming for her to run away; get out of the house, away from Elizabeth, and away from the situation. She sat on the bed and pulled her knees to her chest, her long dress covering her feet. “God, please help me. God, please help.”

~

I pulled into the driveway and then thought better of it before parking on the road. Inside I found Travis and Mom trying to hold a conversation, and in that moment I was so thankful that he was trying.

“Hey mom, I’m so sorry about this morning. I didn’t even think about what would happen if you woke up early.” She stood up and wrapped me in a hug. I knew that I was forgiven, and I laughed.

“Please just don’t do that again. I was so worried about you.” She stepped back and held me at arm’s length.

“I’m sorry.” I smiled at her and put my hands on hers. Leaning to the side, I looked at Travis. “Where’s Diana?”

He looked back at me, puzzled. “She’s in the bedroom. I heard her mumbling, and thought that she was still talking to you.” Realization shone on his face, along with guilt and concern.

I tensed; he and I both knew there was only one reason Diana talked to herself. “I’ll go check on her.” I said.

“What’s wrong?” Mom asked, starting to follow me down the hallway.

I shook my head, “Mom, I love you, but you can’t follow me. We’ll go to lunch in a bit, I promise.”

As I walked into their bedroom I saw Diana sitting on the bed, her knees pulled to her chest with her head resting on top of them. I couldn’t make out much of what she was saying, but I knew she was praying. It was her best way to cope, and one she’d been teaching me to rely on. “Hey,” I said quietly as I sat down beside her. “You’re ok Diana, you’re ok.” I put one arm around her shoulders and reached for her hand with the other. “Everything’s going to be ok.” I mumbled.

She nodded, but didn’t reply. I’d never seen her like this, and it scared me. But I also felt a small sense of peace wash over me. I knew what to do to help, and I knew I couldn’t make it go away. “Does your back hurt?”

She nodded again and I moved so I could softly rub her shoulders. I felt her muscles relax almost immediately. She started rocking, I started praying. “God, please be with Diana right now. I know that there is a lot going on, and a lot she’s scared of. Please let her know that nothing is going to change. Give her peace right now Father, help her to relax. She hates this, as much if not more than I do. You hate this; we know You hate to see us hurting. Please help her to relax. Put Your hand of protection and peace on her. Help her to breathe, her heart to slow, and her thought to cease. In Your name, Amen.”

She sighed, and although I hoped she would come out of it soon…I knew that hers usually lasted a while. Sometimes she was still able to do things, but I knew that she wouldn’t want to. As much as it killed me, I knew I had to leave her side for a moment.

“Mom” I said as I walked into the living room, “I’m afraid that we’ll have to take a rain check on lunch, Diana isn’t feeling well, and I need to stay with her.”

She scowled at me, “What do you mean she’s not feeling well? She was fine before you got here.”

I scowled back. If there was anything I got from my mother, it was my stubbornness. “It doesn’t matter. If it’s ok with you, I’ll see you at the school before graduation.” She started to say something but I interrupted her, “And if it’s not ok, then I will see you in a month. Your choice. I’m sorry, I really am, but I don’t want to leave her.”

My mom shook her head, “I don’t understand you. I haven’t seen you in four years, and you’re choosing Diana over me?”

I slammed my fist against the wall. “Mom. I love you, and you know I do. When we aren’t around here, things will be different…I hope. But right now Diana needs me. And it’s something that you refuse to understand. Please, go back to the hotel. I will be at the school in three hours, with or without Diana.”

“You will?”

“I don’t really have a choice.” With that, I spun around and left her to either sit with Travis or go back to the hotel. I didn’t really care which.

~

Two hours later

Diana finally uncurled and lay on the bed, I sat beside her in silence. She gripped my hand, and I held hers just as tight. “You’re ok.” I whispered.

“I know. I know.” She mumbled. Her breathing was starting to return to normal; I knew her body was winding down.

“Do you want anything?” I asked.

“Coffee.” She looked at me and smiled, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Something tells me that’s not going to help you feel any better.”

“No, probably not, but it’ll help wake me up. How long until you have to be at the school?” She sat up and crossed her legs.

“I have to be there in about an hour to finish getting ready.” I put my arms around her again and laid my head on her shoulder.

“Where’s your mom?” She asked after a few minutes.

“Not sure. She’s either out there with Travis, back at the hotel, or on her way back home. I told her I’d either see her at the school or see her when I go to visit next month. I didn’t stay to see what she would do.”

“I am so sorry for the way that everything has turned out.”

I shook my head, “Don’t stress over it Diana, it’s not your fault. You’re trying really hard, and that’s more than I can say for her.”

“You haven’t had a single chance to really talk to her yet.”

“I plan on talking to her tomorrow. All I’ve done it feels like is yelling, and I know that’s not helping at all.” I paused, realizing that I wasn’t helping Diana at all right now either. “How do you feel?”

She sighed and shifted so that I sat up. “Honestly? I feel like my heart was trying to pound out of my chest, and my head feels like I just got back from going to a concert with Andrew.” She half laughed as she stood up and I saw her waver.

“Careful.” I was at her side in an instant. She wrapped me in a hug.

“I’m alright Brea; thank you for sitting with me.”

I hugged her back even tighter, “Diana, you know I’ll be there for you whenever I can. I know you do the same for me.”

We stood there for a few minutes before Travis stuck his head into the room. “Hey honey, are you alright?”

She released me and smiled at him. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll be ok after come coffee and Motrin.”

He grinned, “I’ll get on that. Are you two about ready to head to the school?”

I nodded and then looked up at Diana, “I want to change.” She said, “But then I’ll be ready.”

“I need to call mom to tell her we’re on the way. I didn’t know she had a rental, so I can tell her to meet me there. She won’t need to sit with you guys, so Diana you don’t need to worry. I’m going to see if she can sit with Karan’s mom.” Suddenly I remembered my Salutorion speech, and my heart dropped. I couldn’t change it-nor did I want to-but it was going to cause some trouble.

“What is it?” Diana asked, panic showing in her eyes again. She didn’t know I was Salutorion, I wanted to surprise her.

“Nothing,” I lied. “It’s just hard to realize that High School is finally over.”

She looked at me and I knew she didn’t fully believe me, but she let it slide as I walked out to call my mom.

~

At Graduation

I stood on the stage with the twenty other students who were graduating with me from the small private school. The principal was speaking, and I could hear my heart over his booing voice. I heard him introduce me and I started walking to the podium. My gown flowed around my ankles, and I was too aware of the hat and tassel that was just inside my field of vision. Diana and Travis sat house left, just a few rows back. My mom sat house right, right on the front row. From all three I saw looks of surprise and then pride.  I said a prayer, took a deep breath, and began my speech, my hands shaking.

“Good afternoon. Today we are gathered to celebrate the graduation of 21 students-including myself-from high school into the real world. I have spent all high school with this group of friends, and I know firsthand that there were many times when we thought one or more of us wouldn’t make it through to today. We’ve lost students-friends that felt like family-and grieving only brought us closer to each other and to God. I firmly believe that God has some great plans for each and every one of us standing on this stage today. You remember two years ago when one of the girls in our class was attacked. We were so scared of losing her that all of us stayed here at the school all night, praying. She returned safely, and we praise God for that. She’s the strongest one of us here, I think, because she finished her schooling while raising her little girl. A little girl everyone up here would do anything for. We have all grown close as friends, and even as a family, over the past four years, and I know that it’s only through God’s grace that we stand here today.

“Personally, I would not be standing her if they had not supported me. Everyone in this class, but the end of the second month I’d been here, knew that my mom-“ I stopped. I can’t say died, not with her eyes so intently fixated on me. “they knew that my mom…was not a part of my life. They gave me strength, and they encouraged me through so many hard times that it would be impossible to name them all. And also, one person who has been an influence on me more than she may know…is Diana. She took me under her wing and was the mother figure that I so clearly needed. We met at a meeting that Alyssa told me about, and then I discovered that she and Travis were the youth leaders. She was the one, who helped me through the onset of my panic disorder, and who eventually led me to Christ. She’s also the one who encouraged me to follow my talents, and so come spring, I’ll be enrolling in Milltown University for my degree in computer science.”

There was an eruption of applause. I was beaming, until I saw the look on my Mothers face. She was glaring back at Diana, who was smiling at me and wiping her eyes.

“This class is more than ready to enter the world, and we would like to thank Principal Williams with this give that we have all chipped in to buy.” A couple of grinning girls stepped out with a new suit on a hanger. Everyone clapped. “Now, I feel like we have to explain the suit. See, he’s more than our principal, he’s our coach. And Coach, we got you a suit so you wouldn’t kill us.”

I turned to watch as the Valedictorian and several of the football players walked up and dumped a cooler of purple liquid over Principal Williams. The crowd erupted in laughter and applause. I took my place with the rest of my class as Luke gave his Valedictorian speech.

In a blur, we were called one by one to receive our diplomas. When my name was called I looked first to where Diana was sitting, and then to my mother. When I didn’t see either of them, a sick feeling of dread washed over me. I smiled as I took my diploma, shook the principals hand, and hugged the councilor. I then walked off the stage. Instead of joining the round of hugs and congratulations going on quietly for those having already been called, I rushed outside, hoping beyond hope, but knowing what I would find.

Diana and my mother were in the parking lot yelling at one another; my heart started racing.

Travis was in between them, trying to stop them from getting physical; the world started to spin.

I ran over to them, yelled something, but the ground was moving so much beneath my feet that I wasn’t sure what. My mother continued yelling, Diana got a panicked look on her face; suddenly the pavement was quickly approaching.

They all turn to look at me; nothing is making sense; why were they sideways?

A wave of heat and nausea washed over me; my head started pounding.

“Call 9-1-1!” Diana’s voice was far away, quiet, even though she was standing-laying?-right beside me.

My vision started to cloud as my mother joined her. No, she pushed her. Diana was on the ground now too. “Brea, Brea, wake up!” Mom shouted.

I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to. My vision continued to blur as I looked over at Diana, she looked disoriented but fine as she sat up. The look of fear on her face was the last thing I saw before darkness enveloped me and dragged me into sweet oblivion.

~

I screamed and sat up straight in the bed, drenched in sweat. I was gasping for breath and my heart felt like it was about to beat out of my chest. I was in pitch dark, wrapped in a blanket, and soaking wet. I flailed, trying to free myself from the cocoon, and landed on the floor with a thud and a small yell. I heard someone on the bed and sat up to find Diana sitting there, looking down at me. Grogginess and worry filled her eyes. “Oh gosh, Diana!”

I couldn’t breathe. I put one hand on my head and one hand on my stomach, pressed hard, trying to figure out where I was. What was happening? Wasn’t I in the “Hospital?” I mumbled.

“What?” Diana asked, confused.

“I am so confused.” I mumbled as my heart started to slow. “Diana, what happened?”

“You yelled at me when Travis and I got home last night, you were having a panic attack. I got you a blanket and sat with you until you fell asleep, and I’ve been sitting here all night waiting for you to wake up.” Diana sat down on the floor beside me and pulled me into her arms. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re telling me that I just moved in…tonight?” I didn’t understand it.

“Yes, I am. Why?” The concern in her voice was clear, and though it was coming slowly, I was beginning to understand what had happened.

“I fell asleep in the middle of a panic attack? I must have had a nightmare. That’s all it was, a nightmare!” I relaxed immediately in her arms, relieved that I wouldn’t have to deal with anything like that.

“A nightmare? I’m sorry hon. What about?”

I sat up, “The book.”

“What book?” Diana followed me as I jumped up and started looking through boxes, turning on the light as she did.

“My mom’s cheer book. I have yet to read it, and the dream-the nightmare-centered around something in it.” I ripped open the box from my dream and there it was, the book I’d stared at but never opened. Finally, I did. I flipped through every page, and I saw nothing about my mom and Diana; nothing about a girl with an anxiety disorder, just a book full of the memories of a high school freshman. But on the last page, there was a picture that I’d seen before. I’d seen it in Diana’s room. “Hey, look at this.” I showed it to her.

A picture of two cheer teams, the captains’ had their arms around one another’s shoulders. One looked like me-my mom-and one…one looked a lot like Diana.

“Oh, that’s my team! And that’s Elizabeth! Oh, my, I hadn’t thought about her in a long time now. We were great friends, even though we went to different schools. Was your mom on her team?” Diana took the book and looked at the picture more closely.

“Elizabeth.” I nearly laughed, “Diana, my mom is Elizabeth.”

The End