Nighttime thoughts

Today has kind of sucked. It was my last day at a job I really enjoyed, I've been in near constant pain since about 10:30am either in my stomach or legs/hips/feet/toes (thank you, Eve), and for some unknown reason I let myself start talking about the one topic that is immensely triggering for me. Literally, the one topic that has made me want to self harm whenever I think too long about it. I would like nothing more than to take my fingernails and scratch until I see blood.
But I won't.
Because it's so not worth it.
And I'll tell myself this again and again until I believe it.

I admitted something to myself tonight that I almost hate myself for. Because I can't even attempt to pretend that I'm being over dramatic or that I don't mean it. Because I do mean it. But that doesn't mean I don't regret it, that it doesn't make me more sad than I can describe.

As the year is ready to close, why have I decided to focus on the past? Why have I decided to let a situation that is 100% out of my control dictate my mood?

God is in control. He will take care of it. He will bring His plan to completion.
All I can do is watch and pray.

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