An Old One
So one of the things I would like to do on this blog, other than describe the perils of my own attempts at writing, is to have a place to post short stories or ideas for stories that I can come back to later. But firstly, I want to share with you all a writing that is deeply important to me. It is "an old one" and I thought about re-writing it, but when I sat down to try I discovered that I could not. Every time I even think about taking pen to paper and writing this again...I discover that I can't. Emotionally, and physically, I am unable to re-tell this tale, even if only to edit a line here or there. So what you will read (if you've even stayed with me this long) is the unedited version of what I wrote almost three years ago. I wrote the story about three years after the fact, and all that happened happened in June of the year 2008. So, for better or worse, here is the story that I can no longer write. The story of the day that my life changed course forever.
"Everything in this story is true. Most of the little dialog I have included I couldn't remember so I made it up based on not only my memories but also some of my families as well.
It was two weeks until my 11th birthday and it seamed as if nothing could go wrong. We were going swimming in about an hour so I was going through my drawers trying to find my bathing suit.
"Arg! Why is the dumb thing never where I remember putting it"? I muttered as I sat back on my heels with a pile of clothes in my arms. I sighed and dumped them back into the drawer. Standing up I decided to just go outside and ask mom if I could wear a tee shirt and shorts, like her. I stepped out the door and saw that mom was laying in the grass, not something super unusual except that usually she had a blanket to lay on.
she was wearing red baggy shorts and a turquise tank top. She had recently tried to do something difrent hair but it had turned out wrong, Now it was purplish and our little puppy,Tucker, was playing around it. At first I thought that she might be asleep and I was afraid to wake her, she'd be mad, but I had to tell her.
I bent down, "Mom, mom are you awake"? I tried shaking her but she didn't respond. It was then that I noticed that her face was a little purplish. I was starting to panic. I ran inside and got her phone to call my dad. He was at work so I wasn't sure he'd answer.
"Hello", He said happily, he was expecting my mom.
"Daddy! Mom's laying on the ground and she's not breathing! Her eyes are kinda half open and her face is turning purple". I was trying my best to stay calm because of my little brother and sister but I knew that something was really wrong.
"Alex, I want you to hang up and call 9-1-1 NOW"! He said, and then he hung up.
I immediately dialed the long ago memorized number, "911 what's your emergency"? It was a man.
"My mom need's an ambulance". I exclaimed.
'Alright what's your address"? He asked.
I started to tell him but he interrupted me, "Is it 400---"? He asked.
"YES"! I was so happy, for a minute I had drawn a blank.
"Alright we are sending help now but I need you to stay on the phone with me alright"?
"OK".
"Are you home alone"? He asked.
"Um...yeah. But I called my daddy and he's on his way. He should be here any minute." Even as i was saying this he pulled into the parking lot and, not even bothering to park in a spot, stopped the car and jumped out. 'Ok he's here".
"Alright, tell him to check for a pulse and to see of she's choking on anything".
"Alright", and I told him. Then, turning to Briana, 'Bri, take Casey and Tucker and go inside for a while alright"? So she did.
After what felt like an eternity we heard sirens, I gave daddy the phone and went to flag the ambulance down and show them where in the apartment complex we were.
I hung up with the 911 operator and when the ambulances pulled in and the EMT's were getting out Mrs. Lisa, our landlord, came over and we went inside with Brianna and Casey. I think that our puppy Tucker knew what was going on because he just wouldn't sit still.
We prayed with Mrs. Lisa that our mom would be OK. I was really scared and so were Bri and Casey.
While we were praying Grandma Patty showed up. Said that daddy had called her on his way home.
"I'm gonna take you over to my house", She said, "Go and get your stuff and we'll head there pretty soon".
In my mind this meant "overnight er" so I was trying to got clothes, PJ's, food and dish for tucker,
"Alex, if we need more you can come back later but right now let's just go". Grandma Patty said.
"OK". I agreed, albeit reluctantly.
As we were about to go a police officer walked in and asked, "Do you know how long she was out there"?
I looked at Briana, she'd been outside with mom longer than I had. She shrugged her little shoulders and I turned back to the officer. "Um...I can't be sure but I don't think it could have been more than 10 or 15 minutes". I told him
"Alright", he said, and then walked off.
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We were at Grandma Patty's house for most of the rest of that day. But at about 1:30 our dad came back and I could tell what had happened. My aunt, who had been in Whichata at the time, had gone to the hospital and called Grandma, told her that our mother had died, but she didn't want to be the one to tell us.
Daddy came back and brought pastor Chris, Papa Smith, and his sister and her kids Kylie, Devin, and Ethan. He sat down on the couch, Casey on his lap and Bri and I on the floor in front of him. He was crying, and I had never before seen him cry. It shook me to the core. He told us that 'Jesus took mama home to be with Him' and my heart broke in two. How was I supposed to live without my mother? Who would be there to brush our hair, to tuck us in at night?
Even though I took it hard Casey took it harder. He cried for close to half an hour and that broke my heart even more. He was only four years old, why would God take away our mother when we were all so young? This question is one that I struggle with each and every day. But I have come to peace with the fact that, though I will never see her again on this earth I will see her one day in glory. She will be more beautiful than ever and she will be standing beside Jesus, waiting for me.
After several minutes of crying with my dad I tried to stand up and pull myself togeather, but then I saw my grandfather crying, my cousins had tears in their eyes, I couldn't stand to see it. I walked over to Pastor Chris, he was like another grandfather to me, and I hugged him and cried some more. I prayed that this was all a bad dream and that I would wake up and it would all be over and I'd crawl in bed with my mom and hold her tight, but I never woke up, I never held her, it was all real.
I have no idea what happened over the next few hours, the next thing I remember is we were at home, dad and his sister, Joyce, were going to clean up the house because people would be staying with us for the next several days. I asked to go over to my friends house, to see if they could come outside. I needed to be with them. My dad said yes and asked me to use my mom's phone to call her sister, Jessica, and see where she was. I got to the end of the parking lot and called her. I decided to not take the short cut so I could have time to talk. When she answered I could here the tears in her voice. She said she was only about an hour or so out.
If we talked about anything else I don't remember it. The next thing I remember clearly is sitting on the swings with Lydia on the other one and Silas next to us on the jungle gym. We had a game that we played where we woke up and everyone in town was gone-including our parents. What I remember is Lydia saying, 'Well, I guess we shouldn't play the game where are parents are gone." I didn't truly catch the meaning of her words until later. She was concerned about me, she didn't want to do anything that would upset me. I don't think she'd seen me cry yet and she might have been afraid that I would start at any moment.
I think we just ended up sitting there talking and playing until my dad called me inside, it was time to go back to grandma Patty's.
________________________________________________________________________________
The next thing I remember is dinner that night. My mothers parents and one of her sisters, Jessica, and her family, Steve, Cameron, and Amanda, had arrived. We were sitting in Grandma's living room and Papa was telling a story about mom and we were laughing. I remember thinking that this has to be wrong. Not 12 hours ago my mom had died and I was eating pizza and laughing-it just didn't seem right.
Suddenly my dad started making weird faces. Usually he is such a big kid so I started to smile...that was before everyone jumped into action. "David!" Someone said.
"Girls, why don't you go downstairs OK." Grandma said.
"What's going on?" I asked.
"Just go, don't worry." So Kylie and I went, albeit reluctantly, down stairs with the rest of the cousins.
My dad was having a seizure. I had only seen him have one once before and it was when I was really little so I didn't know much about it.
They called an ambulance but while they were waiting on it we were forced to stay in the basement and worry. Briana came up to me and asked, "Do you think we're going to become orphans in one day?" She was only eight years old and genuinely scared.
I was only ten but I did my best to reassure her. I pulled her into my arms and said, "No, I dont think so. Aunt Jess told me that God never gives us more then we can handel. I don't think we could handel that." I told her with all the assurance I could muster
______________________________________________________________________________
The next day Aunt Jessica had to drive all the way back to Missouri because that is where my Aunt Rachel and her friend Mrs. Karan Hambelton were to arrive by plane.
In my memory the next week all blurs together with only a few instances that stick out clearly in my mind.
One in particular is a little funny. My mom's sisters had taken us to walmart because there was a McDonald's in it. While we were eating I had to go to the bathroom. I got up and went and as I was washing my hands these people walk in, at least two, and it seems so out of place that it takes me a minute to place them.
It was Mrs. Robyn and her mom from my moms old church. I talked with them for a minute and then went back to the McDonald's.
I remember little of the funeral, even less of the viewing.
A few things I remember about the viewing are,
1. My Dad and maybe our pastor took each of us kids, one at a time, to see her body. When I went up I wanted to put a flower in her hands. When I touched them they were cold and stiff. That really freaked me out.
2. I guess we had two viewings or something because I remember at the first one I cried so much but then we were there again and I couldn't make myself cry. I felt like I needed to but the tears just wouldn't come.
3. I was leaning on the back of a pew behind my grandmother on my mom's side and she brings her hand around and pokes me in the eye with her nail. I started laughing because I was all cried out.
At the funeral
1. We were all up in the youth room. I thought that it was odd because I was used to being out and talking to people. I wanted to talk to people, not be trapped in that room.
2. Pastor Chris was going to preach, Uncle Allen was singing mom's favorite hymn and I couldn't stop crying. Pastor Chris gave me his hanker chief.
3. At the graveside I was searching for my friends, I didn't want to be so depressed, I wanted something to get my mind off of all this sadness. I didn't get to talk to them because they left sooner than most of the others did.
4. My Aunt's church there in Hesston had a lunch for us all. I don't remember who all was there, or even what ate.
Now it is three years later. I am almost 15 years old. Alot has changed since my mom died, I've had plenty of reasons to cry, but also more than enough chances to laugh at the silly stuff in my life.
I cook now for my family almost every night, daddy will grill burgers a couple of times a month in the summer.
We are in a new town with lots of new people and are in an awesome church where we are loved.
God has helped us get past this and pick of the pieces of our life. There are still days where I get depressed and cry, sometimes it's random, but usually it's on the anaverseries and her birthday."
The day my mom died, I felt like I had lost everything. Little did I know that God was working in ways that nobody could have imagined. I've seen partly how it fits into His plan for me, but when I look at the lives of my brother-and especially my sister-I wonder. Casey doesn't remember her at all, and Briana...she's been given her own set of struggles. I remember what it was like when I was her age, I faced my thoughts alone. As I grew older I became more trusting, more open, and I have to believe that the same will be true for her. That's all I can do, aside from praying for her. And I know that's something that I need to be doing much more often than I do.
Sorry about the seriousness of this post, it's kind of different from the previous two, but it kind of leads into my next post, one about someone very special who has helped me more than she knows over the past few years.
"Everything in this story is true. Most of the little dialog I have included I couldn't remember so I made it up based on not only my memories but also some of my families as well.
It was two weeks until my 11th birthday and it seamed as if nothing could go wrong. We were going swimming in about an hour so I was going through my drawers trying to find my bathing suit.
"Arg! Why is the dumb thing never where I remember putting it"? I muttered as I sat back on my heels with a pile of clothes in my arms. I sighed and dumped them back into the drawer. Standing up I decided to just go outside and ask mom if I could wear a tee shirt and shorts, like her. I stepped out the door and saw that mom was laying in the grass, not something super unusual except that usually she had a blanket to lay on.
she was wearing red baggy shorts and a turquise tank top. She had recently tried to do something difrent hair but it had turned out wrong, Now it was purplish and our little puppy,Tucker, was playing around it. At first I thought that she might be asleep and I was afraid to wake her, she'd be mad, but I had to tell her.
I bent down, "Mom, mom are you awake"? I tried shaking her but she didn't respond. It was then that I noticed that her face was a little purplish. I was starting to panic. I ran inside and got her phone to call my dad. He was at work so I wasn't sure he'd answer.
"Hello", He said happily, he was expecting my mom.
"Daddy! Mom's laying on the ground and she's not breathing! Her eyes are kinda half open and her face is turning purple". I was trying my best to stay calm because of my little brother and sister but I knew that something was really wrong.
"Alex, I want you to hang up and call 9-1-1 NOW"! He said, and then he hung up.
I immediately dialed the long ago memorized number, "911 what's your emergency"? It was a man.
"My mom need's an ambulance". I exclaimed.
'Alright what's your address"? He asked.
I started to tell him but he interrupted me, "Is it 400---"? He asked.
"YES"! I was so happy, for a minute I had drawn a blank.
"Alright we are sending help now but I need you to stay on the phone with me alright"?
"OK".
"Are you home alone"? He asked.
"Um...yeah. But I called my daddy and he's on his way. He should be here any minute." Even as i was saying this he pulled into the parking lot and, not even bothering to park in a spot, stopped the car and jumped out. 'Ok he's here".
"Alright, tell him to check for a pulse and to see of she's choking on anything".
"Alright", and I told him. Then, turning to Briana, 'Bri, take Casey and Tucker and go inside for a while alright"? So she did.
After what felt like an eternity we heard sirens, I gave daddy the phone and went to flag the ambulance down and show them where in the apartment complex we were.
I hung up with the 911 operator and when the ambulances pulled in and the EMT's were getting out Mrs. Lisa, our landlord, came over and we went inside with Brianna and Casey. I think that our puppy Tucker knew what was going on because he just wouldn't sit still.
We prayed with Mrs. Lisa that our mom would be OK. I was really scared and so were Bri and Casey.
While we were praying Grandma Patty showed up. Said that daddy had called her on his way home.
"I'm gonna take you over to my house", She said, "Go and get your stuff and we'll head there pretty soon".
In my mind this meant "overnight er" so I was trying to got clothes, PJ's, food and dish for tucker,
"Alex, if we need more you can come back later but right now let's just go". Grandma Patty said.
"OK". I agreed, albeit reluctantly.
As we were about to go a police officer walked in and asked, "Do you know how long she was out there"?
I looked at Briana, she'd been outside with mom longer than I had. She shrugged her little shoulders and I turned back to the officer. "Um...I can't be sure but I don't think it could have been more than 10 or 15 minutes". I told him
"Alright", he said, and then walked off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We were at Grandma Patty's house for most of the rest of that day. But at about 1:30 our dad came back and I could tell what had happened. My aunt, who had been in Whichata at the time, had gone to the hospital and called Grandma, told her that our mother had died, but she didn't want to be the one to tell us.
Daddy came back and brought pastor Chris, Papa Smith, and his sister and her kids Kylie, Devin, and Ethan. He sat down on the couch, Casey on his lap and Bri and I on the floor in front of him. He was crying, and I had never before seen him cry. It shook me to the core. He told us that 'Jesus took mama home to be with Him' and my heart broke in two. How was I supposed to live without my mother? Who would be there to brush our hair, to tuck us in at night?
Even though I took it hard Casey took it harder. He cried for close to half an hour and that broke my heart even more. He was only four years old, why would God take away our mother when we were all so young? This question is one that I struggle with each and every day. But I have come to peace with the fact that, though I will never see her again on this earth I will see her one day in glory. She will be more beautiful than ever and she will be standing beside Jesus, waiting for me.
After several minutes of crying with my dad I tried to stand up and pull myself togeather, but then I saw my grandfather crying, my cousins had tears in their eyes, I couldn't stand to see it. I walked over to Pastor Chris, he was like another grandfather to me, and I hugged him and cried some more. I prayed that this was all a bad dream and that I would wake up and it would all be over and I'd crawl in bed with my mom and hold her tight, but I never woke up, I never held her, it was all real.
I have no idea what happened over the next few hours, the next thing I remember is we were at home, dad and his sister, Joyce, were going to clean up the house because people would be staying with us for the next several days. I asked to go over to my friends house, to see if they could come outside. I needed to be with them. My dad said yes and asked me to use my mom's phone to call her sister, Jessica, and see where she was. I got to the end of the parking lot and called her. I decided to not take the short cut so I could have time to talk. When she answered I could here the tears in her voice. She said she was only about an hour or so out.
If we talked about anything else I don't remember it. The next thing I remember clearly is sitting on the swings with Lydia on the other one and Silas next to us on the jungle gym. We had a game that we played where we woke up and everyone in town was gone-including our parents. What I remember is Lydia saying, 'Well, I guess we shouldn't play the game where are parents are gone." I didn't truly catch the meaning of her words until later. She was concerned about me, she didn't want to do anything that would upset me. I don't think she'd seen me cry yet and she might have been afraid that I would start at any moment.
I think we just ended up sitting there talking and playing until my dad called me inside, it was time to go back to grandma Patty's.
________________________________________________________________________________
The next thing I remember is dinner that night. My mothers parents and one of her sisters, Jessica, and her family, Steve, Cameron, and Amanda, had arrived. We were sitting in Grandma's living room and Papa was telling a story about mom and we were laughing. I remember thinking that this has to be wrong. Not 12 hours ago my mom had died and I was eating pizza and laughing-it just didn't seem right.
Suddenly my dad started making weird faces. Usually he is such a big kid so I started to smile...that was before everyone jumped into action. "David!" Someone said.
"Girls, why don't you go downstairs OK." Grandma said.
"What's going on?" I asked.
"Just go, don't worry." So Kylie and I went, albeit reluctantly, down stairs with the rest of the cousins.
My dad was having a seizure. I had only seen him have one once before and it was when I was really little so I didn't know much about it.
They called an ambulance but while they were waiting on it we were forced to stay in the basement and worry. Briana came up to me and asked, "Do you think we're going to become orphans in one day?" She was only eight years old and genuinely scared.
I was only ten but I did my best to reassure her. I pulled her into my arms and said, "No, I dont think so. Aunt Jess told me that God never gives us more then we can handel. I don't think we could handel that." I told her with all the assurance I could muster
______________________________________________________________________________
The next day Aunt Jessica had to drive all the way back to Missouri because that is where my Aunt Rachel and her friend Mrs. Karan Hambelton were to arrive by plane.
In my memory the next week all blurs together with only a few instances that stick out clearly in my mind.
One in particular is a little funny. My mom's sisters had taken us to walmart because there was a McDonald's in it. While we were eating I had to go to the bathroom. I got up and went and as I was washing my hands these people walk in, at least two, and it seems so out of place that it takes me a minute to place them.
It was Mrs. Robyn and her mom from my moms old church. I talked with them for a minute and then went back to the McDonald's.
I remember little of the funeral, even less of the viewing.
A few things I remember about the viewing are,
1. My Dad and maybe our pastor took each of us kids, one at a time, to see her body. When I went up I wanted to put a flower in her hands. When I touched them they were cold and stiff. That really freaked me out.
2. I guess we had two viewings or something because I remember at the first one I cried so much but then we were there again and I couldn't make myself cry. I felt like I needed to but the tears just wouldn't come.
3. I was leaning on the back of a pew behind my grandmother on my mom's side and she brings her hand around and pokes me in the eye with her nail. I started laughing because I was all cried out.
At the funeral
1. We were all up in the youth room. I thought that it was odd because I was used to being out and talking to people. I wanted to talk to people, not be trapped in that room.
2. Pastor Chris was going to preach, Uncle Allen was singing mom's favorite hymn and I couldn't stop crying. Pastor Chris gave me his hanker chief.
3. At the graveside I was searching for my friends, I didn't want to be so depressed, I wanted something to get my mind off of all this sadness. I didn't get to talk to them because they left sooner than most of the others did.
4. My Aunt's church there in Hesston had a lunch for us all. I don't remember who all was there, or even what ate.
Now it is three years later. I am almost 15 years old. Alot has changed since my mom died, I've had plenty of reasons to cry, but also more than enough chances to laugh at the silly stuff in my life.
I cook now for my family almost every night, daddy will grill burgers a couple of times a month in the summer.
We are in a new town with lots of new people and are in an awesome church where we are loved.
God has helped us get past this and pick of the pieces of our life. There are still days where I get depressed and cry, sometimes it's random, but usually it's on the anaverseries and her birthday."
The day my mom died, I felt like I had lost everything. Little did I know that God was working in ways that nobody could have imagined. I've seen partly how it fits into His plan for me, but when I look at the lives of my brother-and especially my sister-I wonder. Casey doesn't remember her at all, and Briana...she's been given her own set of struggles. I remember what it was like when I was her age, I faced my thoughts alone. As I grew older I became more trusting, more open, and I have to believe that the same will be true for her. That's all I can do, aside from praying for her. And I know that's something that I need to be doing much more often than I do.
Sorry about the seriousness of this post, it's kind of different from the previous two, but it kind of leads into my next post, one about someone very special who has helped me more than she knows over the past few years.
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